


we are the monsters our loved ones create

by TheLoonyMoony



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 16:20:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16140947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLoonyMoony/pseuds/TheLoonyMoony
Summary: "love" is the excuse people use when they want to justify destroying you.





	we are the monsters our loved ones create

i remember when i was five,   
and my father had quite the temper, the kind that explodes at the slightest touch, the kind that makes you live in perpetual terror and guilt about things you haven’t even done yet. my father is a good man, but he wasn’t always a kind man (i think he struggles with it sometimes, even now). anyway. after every angry outburst, after the unkind words had been yelled to the point of exhaustion, like cliched calm following storms, he would apologise, he would explain. that he said what he said, out of concern for me, because he loves me.

 

when i was fifteen,  
fifteen and in love (as much as a fifteen year old could be, i suppose), until hell broke loose when my mother found out. she told me she had read my letters, that i had hid in a folder below layers of unsuspecting pokemon stickers and newspaper clippings and in the very back of a carefully cluttered drawer; she berated me in a very calm voice for this sin that i had committed. she then forgave me, told me i was only confused, and curious, that god forgives every sin once, even one as grave as this one, if i prayed long and hard enough, asked for forgiveness. so i did. anyway, my mother explained how much she loved me; she ravaged through my private thoughts and words, made me feel guilty about love (it would go on to take me a decade to wrench out every last vestige of this guilt from the depths of my guts), all because she loved me so much. i was grateful.

 

i was twenty five,  
when i decided to put my dreams on hold. so that i could be by his side as he fulfilled his. the life i had dreamt of and envisioned and worked tooth and nail towards, on pause. you don’t understand. it was a small sacrifice! a tiny compromise. you see, i loved him. 

 

i am twenty seven now,  
fresh out of yet another failed relationship, one that was brutal and selfish, but we still waded through the terrible times because at the good times, we loved each other so much. he knew what he was doing to my already shaky mental health, but it was okay, he explained, because he loved me, he really did. he also knew what he was doing to my self esteem, and how every day with him meant another thing about myself that i had to strangle to death in the quiet of night, burying sobs into the pillow, checking for bruises in the mirror, because i loved him, almost too much.


End file.
